I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
