Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
