i was born a porn star she said
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
