i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
