I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
