Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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