Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
