the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize