If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
