as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
