***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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