You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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