Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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