i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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