I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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