Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
