im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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