just tell him i said nine months
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
