He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
