I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
