i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
