we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
