i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
