I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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