All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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