So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
