my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
