your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
