i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
