I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
