A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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