Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize