Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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