your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
