Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Buhtt sex?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
