We're like a lot better than the average bears
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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