Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
