Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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