Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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