On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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