dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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