I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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