just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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