I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
NoShamevember. You game?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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