Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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