So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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