Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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