Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
