stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
