Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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