I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
