god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
