Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
