They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
