hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I die, sorry about rent.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
