While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
