she looked like the before picture.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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