his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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