We're like a lot better than the average bears
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
