don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
