I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
