Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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