my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
