I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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