I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
